Thursday, July 28, 2005

I Have a Better Idea

So President Gump has finally gotten around to paying lip-service to improving CAFE Standards for light trucks and SUVs.

I have a better idea.

I believe this idea will make the oil mafia very happy, because they will make even more $$$. It will make the environmentalists happy because over time there will be less pollution. And it will make me happy because I can’t stand SUV’s, Pick-up Trucks, and their aggressive drivers.

Why not introduce different sized gas-pump nozzles and outfit cars with larger and smaller gas-portals (no one I’ve asked seems to know what the hole and pipe that leads to the gas tanks is called!) depending on fuel efficiency? Cars that get 35 MPG and above get the big gas portals. Cars that get 18 MPG and above get the medium-sized ones, and cars that get less than 18 MPG get the ones that are the size of a soft-drink straw. The price per gallon would also reflect the fuel-efficiency of the car. The better the economy, the cheaper the gasoline.

Imagine how much fun it would be to pull up to the tank in your hybrid next to an H2? You'll pay less money, take less time and have a good laugh at the guy who thought he was so damn much better than you when he bought that over-priced Tonka Toy!

While we’re at it, I think that the most remote spaces in public parking lots should be reserved for the SUV’s. I imagine that there are two types of people who buy sport-utility vehicles: Sportsmen / Athletes and very large sedentary people. The first group shouldn’t mind, because they are in great shape! The second group would at least get some exercise as they walk from their cars into the local Mal*Wart.

Ok, I know it will never happen, but I'm tired today and this is all I got...


Blogger Sticky said...

Perhaps you do Winston Groom's character of Forrest Gump a disservice when you refer to our fearless leader as President Gump.

Certainly the popular perception of Forrest is of the well-meaning simpleton. I, however, see Forrest as a naive bodhisattva.

The character of Forrest has no ego; as a detached participant, he moves through situations, imposing nothing of himself on the people or the events with which he interacts.

Because of this, the results often appear remarkable. In fact, the reality is much simpler. In each instance Forrest does, not what he wants or what he thinks he should do, but rather what must be done.

We should be so lucky as to have a President like that.

Wow. My head really hurts now.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous handdrummer said...

Forrest has always been a religious icon to this secular Taoist. I've always maintained that he was the first modern Taoist saint. I've never seen anybody better at being in the moment and staying on his true path.

8:17 PM  
Blogger fuckstick2020 said...

I gotta agree. Though don't you think these oil assholes would get richer if instead of investing in foreign oil they invested in alernate fuel sources, found a good one, and then put it out on the market. Now that would make them more wealthy than oil ever could because they run the government anyway and we wouldn't have any say in what they do. Wait, what am I rambling about? I don't know what I am talking about..... hmmm.

9:33 AM  

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