Big Wheel (little stick)

I started a post about my adventures in St. Louis, but after reading Bobby’s post, I decided to save that for another day.

I know there is no shortage of rants against SUV’s in der bloggensfear, but I can’t help myself. I absolutely hate the useless things.

Where I live, they are ubiquitous. I think they more than anything else, more than the Mick Mansions, more than fast food, more than the stupid church marquees with the smarmy messages from believe-it-or-else-land, more than the cult of celebrity, more than the anal leakage that passes for TV programs, more than Fox News, more than all of it, the gaudy things symbolize what is wrong with Murika in the 21st Century Schizoid Man 2006.

First of all, they are wasteful. Just like us. They burn through our garbage-culture’s dirt blood faster than I hit the punt-key on my car radio when I hear the first drop of note from a Journey record. The combustion engine car-plankton has parked itself at well over $2 per gallon due to the greed of Bush’s pals, but realistically given the fact that our entire lifestyle depends on that ancient dinosaur rot it makes sense.

And they are carelessly, selfishly, wantonly wasting it.

Secondly, the massive piles of crapsteel are dangerous. Just like us. Should one of those beasts plow into my accord, I don’t care how high it scores on the safety chart, they’re gonna be peeling my carcass off the pavement and donating my accord-ion to the Frankie Yancovic Memorial Museum. [Funny coincidence that the two most well-known accordianists in Muricka have the same last name but are not related.] They’ll put me in a package and sell me as the new and improved freeze-dried Viscount LaCarte (no refunds, warranties or exchanges.)

One of the reasons they are so dangerous is because they are big and fat. Just like us. They take up so much room in the parking lots; park next to one of them and you are almost guaranteed another door-ding, and should it still be there when you leave you have to play side-airbag roulette as you back out. They are always in the way. You’re on a four lane trying to make a left turn, and some whatwouldjesusdrive psalm-singing gay-bashing evangelical fistula-impersonating-a-human is wanting to do the same thing from the other direction, and you may as well be Stevie Wonder, so you have to wait for them to make their turn first. Then you get one of the same behind you, and they got an even bigger one (or smaller one depending on whether you believe Adam Elk or not!) and they can see fine, but they are so self-absorbed, self-righteous, self-flagellating, self-flatulating, self-centered and self-selfalating that they can’t figure out that you are in normal car in Ray Charles mode, and they start barking the horn because there is no oncoming traffic and you are slowing them down on the way to their favorite center for ignorance and regressive thinking.

And they are ostentatious, they are outrageous, they are loud, they are obnoxious, they are ugly, and they are vulgar, and they are aggressively inefficient and proud of it and they think they are going straight to heaven when in reality they are already doing the brimstone-polka in Satan’s Thermonuclear Theme Park and Dance Studio.

JUST.
LIKE.
US!

Big Wheel (click me to listen)
From Labello
By Adam Elk

Big wheel little stick
Wanna pass can’t find a lane
Drive over me if I don’t move
Big wheel little stick

Rubber tire
Twice my size
Blow smoke in my eyes
I guess you got something to prove
Big Wheel little stick

I’m just trying to drive on a Sunday
I did not know you were king of the highway!

I’ve got much better things to do
Than play this cat and mouse with you
I’ve got much bigger fish to fry
So get a clue and drive on by

I think this road is big enough for two
I get the feeling that nobody told you