Thursday, January 05, 2006

A Stroke of Stupidity

I know every damn progressive blogger in the sphere is going to have ball with this one, but I can't help myself. Anyone reading this can think of all the stupid reasons as to why this thing is stupid, and they can read more stupid reasons elsewhere. Still…

Sharon is 78 years old. My father had his first stroke at like 75 I think, and he didn’t divide God’s land. Hell, he hated math. God, the omnipotent one, the omnipresent one, the one who can do whatever He wants, whenever and wherever He wants, can think any thought before we coulda thunk it up ourselves, that God, and all He could do was come up with a stroke?


Well let me tell you something. If I was omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, a Dodge Omni, Omni magazine and the Omni hotel too, I wouldn’t be so subtle.

First thing I would do would be to broadcast a message, and when I say broadcast, I mean on every single media delivery device in the universe, I’m talking every TV station, every radio station, every CD player, IPOD, church marquis, even the billboards, in every damn language, I would send a message:

“Tomorrow at noon Eastern Standard Time, put the cameras on Ariel Sharon, and I want every one of you to tune in.”

Noon the Next Day:

“This is Geraldo reporting live at Ariel Sharon’s bedside. The big man has asked us to cover this story, and we are all anxiously awaiting His arrival.”

For my grand entrance, I would turn myself into Osama Bin Laden and float in on a magic carpet, and proclaim, “I AM HE WHO IS!” and then jump off of the carpet and land at the foot of the bed in a blaze of fireworks and smoke not seen before on this planet or any other. After that, with a spotlight on my face and a gleam in my eye I would turn to the cameras and say:


I would then morph into Michael Jackson, and with the song “Bad” playing in 6.1 DTS Surround I would start dancing and begin to sing:

This land is mine
Don’t belong to you
Can’t carve it up
You silly Jew
I’m telling you
Right to your face
Can’t give an inch
To the Arab race
Come on

I’ll tell you what
I’m gonna do
Gonna smote some gays
And liberals too
Gonna show you all
Just what is what
Gonna make you pay
Gonna kick some butt

You’ve heard I’m coming back
But maybe you forgot
Well Ari here I am
Gonna show you what I got

Because I’m God I’m God
(really really God)
Yeah I’m God, I’m God
(really really God)
You know I’m God I’m God
(really really God)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again
Who’s God

And then after that ...

Well, you get the idea.

Stupid right? Well, that’s how stupid Pat Robertson and all of these religious fanatics who claim to know who God is and what He wants seem to me.

Stupider in fact.

This is our world too, and some of us are getting pretty sick and tired of suffering ignorance and pretending to respect stupidity. Isn't time once again for the blathering idiots to sit down and shut up and give the intelligent ones a chance to set things straight?


Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! Great one, man. Yeah, that Pat, he's just there to distract us with an idiot bigger'n George. I wish Satan would take his finger out of Pat's ass, though, so the shit would come out the right end.

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Pete said...

that's just too funny! It's sad though, to think that there's idiots like that out stoopid.

10:42 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

Isn't it time once again for the blathering idiots to sit down and shut up and give the intelligent ones a chance to set things straight?

Ah, but that's the problem, Al -- they don't know they're idiots. They think we are. And that's what's really scary...


10:02 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...


I can live with them thinking that I'm an idiot. What scares me is that they think that the likes of Noam Chomsky and Richard Dawkins are idiots!

10:52 AM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

Hi Al -- Ha! One of your best posts, I must say!

Very funny -- I could picture the whole thing! Except that part about what you really look like -- couldn't picture that cuz I don't know.

Funny stuff!

Robertson's an ass. What reason will his followers give all of us when he dies? What will be God's reason?

11:10 AM  
Blogger Soundsurfr said...

What reason will his followers give all of us when he dies? What will be God's reason?

Maybe he won't die. Then we'll all have something to think about.


6:26 PM  

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